Thursday, December 6, 2012

Day 84 – Who and What am I ‘Living’ for?

Here I am looking at the way in which I change in relation to my external environment and the people within it. I have noticed how I am constantly in a state of uncomfortability when I am around others within my world and reality. Upon investigating this I see multiple points which are related to this one point of self-change in relation to the people I encounter as well as different environments I am in at any given time within my life.

Since I started walking my process with Desteni, I have come to realize much about myself in how it is that my total behavior and expression of who I am currently is completely pre-programmed and furthermore I have seen in many instances how my pre-programmed behavior effects those around me. From this I see that I have created a fear of interacting with others within my world and reality because of a fear of manifesting consequences wherein I could harm others and myself due to my pre-programmed patterns of self-abuse.

So essentially, from being more aware of how my participation within patterns/my mind effects not only myself, but also those around me – I have slowly but surely constricted my participation with those around me and have limited it to only interacting from a starting point of ‘not really wanting to develop any real relationships’ due to this fear that I will manifest something which will have an outflow that would harm. It’s like I have adopted this belief that I can only really express myself with others once I have worked through all of my inner mind-constructs, so only once I am clear and completely stable within and as myself.

OK – so back to this uncomfortability point. It’s really not cool to experience myself this way, and it is obvious from the above-mentioned points, that I have deliberately created this point of physical uncomfortability for myself. I do not choose to continue walking my days within this mind dimension of uncomfortability, thus I am now going to assist and support myself to walk through all of the points which I have used as justifications to not face myself within the finer details of how I experience myself when I am faced with interacting with those whom I encounter within my world and reality.

So the main point here is obviously self-judgment. However, I have so cunningly deceived myself through manipulating myself into projecting this point of self-judgment into various other points. This is shown for example in, how I completely change myself for others, thus moving myself away from the main point of self-judgment and manifesting a ‘fear of others’, which entails fearing what they think of me, if they approve of me. And this point is becoming more and more noticeable to me within the smaller details of how I change myself to fit into a certain specific persona in relation to who I am with at any given time. For example, how my voice tonality changes, my physical behavior changes, the topics of discussion I will communicate about, how I feel, how I experience myself. It’s a complete self-change that takes place each time I am with a different person within my world and reality. The reason for the constant state of uncomfortability is clear – it’s because I am not being self-honest within who I am. I am not comfortable in my own skin. I am constantly and continuously analyzing, interpreting, and changing according to my mind’s idea of who I should be when I am with person A or person B and so on – all for the purpose of ‘fitting in’ and being accepted within the group of people I interact with.

I would like to get to know who I am as life, and I would like to express who I am as life, and in order to do so, I have to first walk myself through all of these layers of self-separation which I have created for myself to keep me within a constant state of self-compromise through constantly and continuously upholding and maintaining these characters/personas in order to hide from the REAL point at hand, which is the fear of myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and the fear of who I might be if I were to let go of this grand charade called ‘Rozelle’ as my main personality.

The realization of the ridiculousness of existing like this is here and it’s clear to me. I mean, all of these personalities will not be with me in my moment of death. Who I am within myself matters, and currently I have been dishonoring and disrespecting myself as life because I have been too busy living for others within the context of trying to please others based on my fear of others (which is the fear of myself), that I have completely lost touch with what is real. Furthermore, we all KNOW that knowledge without application is absolutely useless. So it’s time for me to take this realization into practical living through walking myself out of this mind-fuck, one point at a time, and back into reality where I can finally get to finding out who I really am as life, and living this within my self-expression. Fear is the factor which has to be removed from this total equation; because where fear exists… self-dishonesty exists.

Self-forgiveness to follow….

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