This is a continuation to my blog posts:
In my last post listed above, I mentioned that there were a few memories which came up in relation to the 'fear of others' from which I have created a relationship of self-compromise through always changing the way I behave and interact when I am around certain specific people or when I find myself in certain specific situations.
When I was in primary school, each year our class would go on an excursion which lasted for anything from 3 to 5 days. It would either be to a nature reserve or some place where we could interact with nature and animals while at the same time doing team building activities which I always thoroughly enjoyed. So this one specific year, my parents could not afford to pay the minimum required funds for me to be able to join my class on the excursion. I was the only one from our whole class who was unable to go on the trip. I remember some of the popular kids making fun of me because of this, which made me feel like an 'outcast'.
As the day of the excursion approached, I remember we were sitting at home when my mother received a call from a friend of mine' mother. They are a very wealthy family and were known for their donations given to the school as well. So basically 'S' told my mother that she would be willing to pay for me to go on the school excursion, because it is not fair that I am the only one form the class that can't go. She even offered to buy me snacks and cool drinks to take with for the trip. After my parents spoke with one another, they agreed to take 'S' up in her generous offer. I remember being really excited because there was an opportunity for me to go with my classmates on the trip.
Fast forwarding now, we were on the trip, and the friend on mine who's mother had sponsored for me for the trip, was treating me like shit. She was the 'queen bee' of our group as well as our whole grade. We had never before had any arguments/fights etc. but for some reason she had made many demeaning remarks in relation to the fact that HER mother sponsored my excursion costs. I got the feeling that she thought that I somehow owed her something for her mother's decision to sponsor me. Towards the end of the trip I was no longer hanging out with my friends because they had all slowly but surely pushed me away from them within the way they didn't want to talk to me as we always did, as well as when we had to do activities where we needed to team up - here they would all choose amongst our friends as quick as possible to make up the required number for the teams and then there would be no space for me. I also remember distinctively how one of the girls from the group was left with me to team up with on one occasion, and how she showed a very noticeable disappointed expression on her face for having to be in a team with me.
So basically what I took away from this whole experience from this excursion, is the point of how I was then labeled by the popular rich kids who I had been friends with since grade 1, as 'not cool' because my family couldn't even afford to pay for my school excursion. When we returned from the trip, I made friends with other people outside of this 'popular kids' crowd and steered clear from them due to the fear of being teased again for not being able to afford certain things.
So the relationship I created with myself here is 'the fear of what others will think/say about me' which is the fear of 'being judged and labeled by others. Obviously it is clear I was in fact the one who was labeling and judging myself based on others behaviors etc. However I never saw this at the time, and therefore have gone my whole life living for 'others' in order to avoid having MY fear of being judged and outcast manifest.
Self-Forgiveness to follow…