This is a
continuation to my blog posts:
and
In my last post
listed above, I mentioned that there were a few memories which came up in
relation to the 'fear of others' from which I have created a relationship
of self-compromise through always changing
the way I behave and interact when I am around certain specific people or when
I find myself in certain specific situations.
Memory 1:
School Excursion
When I was in
primary school, each year our class would go on an excursion which lasted for
anything from 3 to 5 days. It would either be to a nature reserve or some place
where we could interact with nature and animals
while at the same time
doing team building activities which I always thoroughly enjoyed. So this one
specific year, my parents could not afford to pay the minimum required funds
for me to be able to join my class on the excursion. I was the only one from
our whole class who was unable to go on the trip. I remember some of the
popular kids making fun of me because of this, which made me feel like an
'outcast'.
As the day of the
excursion approached, I remember we were sitting at home when my mother received a
call from a friend of mine' mother. They are a very wealthy family and were
known for their donations given to the school as well. So basically 'S' told my
mother that she would be willing to pay for me to go on the school excursion,
because it is not fair that I am the only one form the class that can't go. She
even offered to buy me snacks and cool drinks to take with for the trip. After
my parents spoke
with one another, they agreed to take 'S' up in her generous offer. I remember
being really excited because there was an opportunity for me to go with my
classmates on the trip.
Fast forwarding now,
we were on the trip, and the friend on mine who's mother had sponsored for me
for the trip, was treating me like shit. She was the 'queen bee' of our group
as well as our whole grade. We had never before had any arguments/fights etc.
but for some reason she had made many demeaning remarks in relation to the fact
that HER mother sponsored my excursion costs. I got the feeling
that she thought
that I somehow owed her something for her mother's decision
to sponsor me. Towards the end of the trip I was no longer hanging out with my
friends because they had all slowly but surely pushed me away from them within
the way they didn't want to talk to me as we always did, as well as when we had
to do activities where we needed to team up - here they would all choose
amongst our friends as quick as possible to make up the required number for the
teams and then there would be no space for me. I also remember distinctively
how one of the girls from the group was left with me to team up with on one
occasion, and how she showed a very noticeable disappointed expression on her
face for having to be in a team with me.
So basically what I
took away from this whole experience from this excursion, is the point of how I
was then labeled by the popular rich kids who I had been friends with since
grade 1, as 'not cool' because my family couldn't even afford to pay for my school
excursion. When we returned from the trip, I made friends with other people
outside of this 'popular kids' crowd and steered clear from them due to the fear
of being teased again for not being able to afford certain things.
So the relationship
I created with myself here is 'the fear of what others will
think/say about me' which is the fear
of 'being judged
and labeled by others. Obviously it is clear I was in fact the one who was
labeling and judging
myself based on others behaviors etc. However I never saw this at the time, and
therefore have gone my whole life living for 'others' in order to avoid having
MY fear of being judged and outcast manifest.
Self-Forgiveness to
follow…
*******************
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