Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Day 89 - There must be Something Wrong with Me - Fear of Living for REAL - Part 5

This is a continuation of my blog posts:


This is a continuation of the memories which I identified in relation to the point of when I started to really develop a relationship of 'fear of what others will say/think about me' from which I have created a relationship of self-compromise through always changing the way I behave and interact when I am around certain specific people or when I find myself in certain specific situations.

Memory 2:
Someone suggested exercises in order to lose weight.

So this memory is of when a close friend of mine suggested in a subtle way that I do some exercise to lose weight.
My reaction was one of agreement in the moment when she shared this suggestion, however this was just an act to cover up the internal mess which was going on within me. I had the following backchat:
"there must be something wrong with me if my friend is suggesting that I lose weight"
"I have to investigate ways to lose weight soon for fear that I will not be accepted by society for not being skinny"
I remember having this experience of - it really sucks that we have these ridiculous body judgments separating us from each other wherein we judge a person according to how they look in comparison to the pictures/images of skinny people which we have been brainwashed by magazines/movies/media to strive towards as the 'ideal way to present oneself physically'. However, never within this did I actually take lead from this insight to actually stand up within myself and say "no, I will not allow myself to form a relationship of judgment towards by body based on what others say/think/believe'… instead I allowed myself to accept the backchats and thoughts and reactions which I was experiencing in this memory (as one example) as who I am and from this I allowed myself to let it form part of the foundation of my relationships/interactions with the people within my world and reality as well as the way in which I experience myself within and during it all.

Memory 3:
You're not rich, therefore you're not cool (renamed to be more appropriate)

This point is more a generalized experience of a conglomeration of memories in relation the environment within which I grew up. When I was 5 years old, my parents decided to change their life in the sense of moving away from everything which they knew, in relation to where they had been raised, which was a generally Afrikaans orientated place in South Africa. We moved to the coast of Kwa-Zulu Natal, where my father started his own electrical business with my grandfather. The place we moved to was the setting for most of my younger years growing up (up to the age of about 14). It was a small beach village with many people with LOTS and LOTS of money. My parents are what we label as 'middle class' here, where my parents would always just have enough to get by in terms of paying rent, school fees, food, etc. We lived comfortably, but in comparison to the friends which I grew up with and went to school with, well… it would seem that we were mere peasants in relation to them. So growing up with and going to school with all of these children who came from extremely wealthy families, I always experienced myself more often than not, like the outsider looking in. Within the social circles, all the kids would only wear surf name brand clothes, seeing as we lived by the beach. And it was a general thing amongst everyone that if you didn't wear 'Roxy' or 'Billabong' bikini's and clothes, that you were labeled as 'not cool'. I formed part of the few amount of kids who's family couldn't afford to splurge R800 for a bikini, and because of this fact I was often made 'fun of' by my circle of friends when I came to the beach wearing a cheap bikini from a store which had been labeled by the rich kids as a place you 'dare not go to'. So growing up, this lifestyle was all I really knew, and from this social platform I had designed a relationship with myself of trying to 'fit in' and be accepted by 'the cool kids'. Looking back on it now, I see the ridiculousness of it all, however it has formed a BIG part in the way I am around people, where the focus is not so much on the type of clothes I wear now, but rather in other points. However, the fact of the matter remains the same - this its still the exact same pattern playing out, where I view myself as the outsider looking in on others worlds and realities and in relationship to this I constantly and continuously change the way I 'carry myself' in the smallest details within my behavior when I am around certain specific people. Looking back on these memories of growing up amongst extremely rich people who never had any unfulfilled wants/needs/desires, I see how I allowed myself to accept that way of existing as something normal, and that I, in relationship to that existence, viewed myself as 'not good enough'. This self-judgment was so extreme back then that if my parents didn't agree to buy me one 'nice bikini' for example from a surf shop, that I would fall into this deeeeep ass depression and would then sabotage myself in the sense that I just stopped going to the beach for a long time (which was right on my doorstep). The same with other events, where my friends would invite me to go to the movies with them, I would then in my mind scan through all of the clothes I have and then evaluate whether or not my friends would judge my outfits according to 'what is cool and what is not', and then based on my projection of seeing that they would judge each item as', I would then again sabotage myself by saying that I cannot go because I am busy, for the fear of losing the only friends I had. There was extensive mind-fucking going on within me. However, as I said before, this pattern is still ingrained within me, it has just 'changed face'.

Self-forgiveness to follow...

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