This is a
continuation of my blog posts:
and
This is a
continuation of the memories which I identified in relation to the point of
when I started to really develop a relationship
of 'fear of what others will say/think about me' from which I have created a relationship
of self-compromise through always changing
the way I behave and interact when I am around certain specific people or when
I find myself in certain specific situations.
Memory 2:
Someone suggested exercises
in order to lose weight.
So this memory
is of when a close friend of mine suggested in a subtle way that I do some exercise
to lose weight.
My reaction was one
of agreement in
the moment when she shared this suggestion, however this was just an act to
cover up the internal mess which was going on within me. I had the following
backchat:
"there must be
something wrong with me if my friend is suggesting that I lose weight"
"I have to
investigate ways to lose weight soon for fear
that I will not be accepted
by society for not being skinny"
I remember having
this experience of - it really sucks that we have these ridiculous body judgments
separating us from each other wherein we judge a person according to how they
look in comparison
to the pictures/images of skinny people which we have been brainwashed by
magazines/movies/media to strive towards as the 'ideal way to present oneself
physically'. However, never within this did I actually take lead from this
insight to actually stand up within myself and say "no, I will not allow
myself to form a relationship
of judgment towards by body based on what others say/think/believe'… instead I
allowed myself to accept the backchats and thoughts
and reactions which I was experiencing in this memory (as one example) as who I am and from this I
allowed myself to let it form part of the foundation of my relationships/interactions
with the people within my world and reality as well as the way in which I
experience myself within and during it all.
Memory 3:
You're not rich,
therefore you're not cool (renamed to be more appropriate)
This point is more a
generalized experience of a conglomeration of memories in relation the
environment within which I grew up. When I was 5 years old, my parents decided
to change
their life in the sense of moving away from everything which they knew, in
relation to where they had been raised, which was a generally Afrikaans
orientated place in South Africa. We moved to the coast of Kwa-Zulu Natal,
where my father started his own electrical business with my grandfather. The
place we moved to was the setting for most of my younger years growing up (up
to the age of about 14). It was a small beach village with many people with
LOTS and LOTS of money. My parents are what we label as 'middle class' here,
where my parents would always just have enough to get by in terms of paying
rent, school fees, food, etc. We lived comfortably, but in comparison
to the friends which I grew up with and went to school with, well… it would
seem that we were mere peasants in relation to them. So growing up with and
going to school with all of these children
who came from extremely wealthy families, I always experienced myself more often
than not, like the outsider looking in. Within the social circles, all the kids
would only wear surf name brand clothes, seeing
as we lived by the beach. And it was a general thing amongst everyone that if
you didn't wear 'Roxy' or 'Billabong' bikini's and clothes, that you were
labeled as 'not cool'. I formed part of the few amount of kids who's family
couldn't afford to splurge R800 for a bikini, and because of this fact I was
often made 'fun of' by my circle of friends when I came to the beach wearing a
cheap bikini from a store which had been labeled by the rich kids as a place you
'dare not go to'. So growing up, this lifestyle was
all I really knew, and from this social platform I had designed a relationship
with myself of trying to 'fit in' and be accepted by 'the cool
kids'. Looking back on it now, I see the ridiculousness of it all, however it
has formed a BIG part in the way I am around people, where the focus is not so
much on the type of clothes I wear now, but rather in other points. However, the
fact of the matter remains the same - this its still the exact same pattern playing out, where I
view myself as the outsider looking in on others worlds and realities and in relationship
to this I constantly and continuously change the way I
'carry myself' in the smallest details within my behavior when I am around
certain specific people. Looking back on these memories of growing up amongst
extremely rich people who never had any unfulfilled wants/needs/desires, I see
how I allowed myself to accept that way of existing as something normal, and
that I, in relationship to that existence, viewed myself as 'not good
enough'. This self-judgment was so extreme back then that if my parents didn't
agree to buy me one 'nice bikini' for example from a surf shop, that I would
fall into this deeeeep ass depression and
would then sabotage myself in the sense that I just stopped going to the beach
for a long time
(which was right on my doorstep). The same with other events, where my friends
would invite me to go to the movies with them, I would then in my mind scan
through all of the clothes I have and then evaluate whether or not my friends
would judge
my outfits according to 'what is cool and what is not', and then based on my
projection of seeing that they would judge each item as', I would then again
sabotage myself by saying that I cannot go because I am busy, for the fear of
losing the only friends I had. There was extensive mind-fucking going on within
me. However, as I said before, this pattern is still ingrained within me, it
has just 'changed face'.
Self-forgiveness to
follow...
*******************
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