Thursday, January 3, 2013

Day 91 - I am the Judge - Fear of Living for REAL - Part 7

This is a continuation to my blog posts:
Day 84 - Who and What am I ‘Living’ for?
Day 85 - Fear of Living for REAL
Day 86 - Fear of Living for REAL - Part 2
Day 87 - Fear of Living for REAL - Part 3
Day 88 - Money and Self-Acceptance - Fear of Living for REAL - Part 4
Day 89 - There must be Something Wrong with Me - Fear of Living for REAL - Part 5
and
Day 90 - Don't you SEE?... It's all a SOLD LIE - Fear of Living for REAL - Part 6



Continuing with the self-forgiveness for the memories which I identified in relation to the point of when I started to really develop a relationship of 'fear of what others will say/think about me' from which I have created a relationship of self-compromise through always changing the way I behave and interact when I am around certain specific people or when I find myself in certain specific situations.



Taking Responsibility through Self-Forgiveness

Memory 3:
This point is more a generalized experience of a conglomeration of memories in relation the environment within which I grew up. When I was 5 years old, my parents decided to change their life in the sense of moving away from everything which they knew, in relation to where they had been raised, which was a generally Afrikaans orientated place in South Africa. We moved to the coast of Kwa-Zulu Natal, where my father started his own electrical business with my grandfather. The place we moved to was the setting for most of my younger years growing up (up to the age of about 14). It was a small beach village with many people with LOTS and LOTS of money. My parents are what we label as 'middle class' here, where my parents would always just have enough to get by in terms of paying rent, school fees, food, etc.We lived comfortably, but in comparison to the friends which I grew up with and went to school with, well… it would seem that we were mere peasants in relation to them. So growing up with and going to school with all of these children who came from extremely wealthy families, I always experienced myself more often than not, like the outsider looking in. Within the social circles, all the kids would only wear surf name brand clothes, seeing as we lived by the beach. And it was a general thing amongst everyone that if you didn't wear 'Roxy' or 'Billabong' bikini's and clothes, that you were labeled as 'not cool'. So growing up, this lifestyle was all I really knew, and from this social platform I had designed a relationship with myself of trying to 'fit in' and be accepted by 'the cool kids'. Looking back on it now, I see the ridiculousness of it all, however it has formed a BIG part in the way I am around people, where the focus is not so much on the type of clothes I wear now, but rather in other points. This self-judgment was so extreme back then that if my parents didn't agree to buy me one 'nice bikini' for example from a surf shop, that I would fall into this deeeeep ass depression and would then sabotage myself in the sense that I just stopped going to the beach for a long time (which was right on my doorstep).


Self-Forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my family as peasants based on the amount of money we had in comparison to the families who lived in our neighbourhood, and from this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative value to this judgment and from this carry this negatively charged self-judgment with me throughout my life, to which I have defined myself and my family by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world wherein people are divided and separated into different classes/categories in relation to how much money they have or don’t have, and from this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have within my own acceptance and allowance of these classifications, have furthermore gone and attached judgments and energetic charges or positive/negative onto these class divisions, and from this judge myself as well as others from these judgments and energetic charges which I have imposed onto these money class divisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of myself of ‘the outsider looking in’ whenever I compared my value judgments which I imposed onto our family about our money status/class to the families which I grew up around and interacted with, who were very rich. From this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself into a position of inferiority within this experience of ‘the outsider looking in’, without seeing, realizing and understanding that we are all equal as life and that the amount of money a person has or does not have cannot change this inherent fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world wherein money has been given the power by humans to change this inherent fact of equality and oneness in the physical through creating separation between life on earth by dictating that you only have the right to live a comfortable, safe, happy life if you have the money to support such a lifestyle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where the right to life has been changed into a conditioned right within creating lifestyles to which people have to strive towards to attain, within a system where not all have an equal starting point to ‘climb the ladders of deception’ within our current monetary system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world wherein systems of money have created many ‘outsiders looking in’ on the lives of others with money, which they should also have an equal right to live, but cannot due to a system which dictates that you have to have lots of money to have your basic needs and rights to life met.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adopt the belief that ‘you are not cool if you don’t wear cool/expensive clothing’, wherein ‘cool’ = being accepted and ‘not cool’ = being disregarded and excluded from a group. From this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative energetic charge to the point of ‘not being cool’ as well as attach a positive energetic charge to the point of ‘being cool’, and within and from this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘live’ my life through constantly and continuously judging and defining myself according to this accepted labelling system for fear that I will be seen as ‘not cool’, meaning that, according to my accepted value judgments which I have attached to this point, that I will be excluded and not accepted as part of a group. From this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that all the while, I have been the one manifesting this very fear through excluding myself and not accepting myself due to having always compared and judged myself to MY OWN value judgments to this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my worth as life according to beliefs systems which have been passed on from generation to generation without questioning who I am within it all. From this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world wherein it is accepted that someone be excluded from participating within a group based on the way they physically look, the way they dress and the beliefs they stand for and as, without seeing, realizing and understanding that these points are all superficial and not real in the sense that they do not remain once we die, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world wherein we have systems in place which promote this way of existing whereby we define ‘who we are’ according to these superficial point, from which corporations profit through continuously marketing these points as ‘something to strive for’ in order to ‘increase your worth’ within a system where this fake worth is seen as what is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the judgments of the children I went to school with, wherein I allowed myself to go into an emotional experience of being ‘less than’ and ‘not worthy to be here’ within the memories wherein I was teased for not wearing surf brand name clothes.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this way of thinking was deliberately sold to us by corporations through manipulating us through advertising products in a way to ensure that we adopt the views shared by them, which in turn would create loyal consumers out of us. From this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the children who teased me at school about not wearing renowned clothing brands, without seeing the bigger picture, which is that they are merely products of a money system of abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate this system of abuse through always trying to conform to the standards set by society through constantly trying to ‘fit into’ the beliefs/ideas/perceptions of those who have gone before me and those around me, while at the same time also evading the fact that I am solely responsible for the way in which I have manipulated myself to ‘fit in’, as I have equally accepted and allowed these beliefs/perceptions and ideas of ‘how one should dress, look, interact’ within one’s world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change and manipulate the way in which I interact within certain specific situations, as well as when I find myself in the presence of certain specific people, according to these value judgments I have accepted, allowed and defined myself to, wherein I will immediately place myself in either an experience of positivity/worthiness/superiority or negativity/unworthiness/inferiority based on the outcome of my inner comparison between the variable factors which I have accepted within my process of self-judgement with the starting point of always wanting an outcome where I am accepted/validated within a certain specific situation or by a certain specific person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear being judge by others without seeing, realizing and understanding that I am the only one who stands in the position of being the judge of myself because I am in fact the one doing this through judging myself according to beliefs/perceptions/ideas about how to dress/interact and ultimately BE within my world and reality. Thus the fear I have of ‘being judged by others’ is a complete deflection from this point – That I am the one responsible as I am the one that judge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage opportunities I have to interact with others through allowing myself to make the decision to not interact based on the judgements I have about myself which I have furthermore projected onto others through thinking that ‘they will judge me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change the way in which I carry myself when I am around those who I have judged as ‘having more and therefore being more’, wherein I ‘lift myself up’ inside myself in order to portray that I am equal to those with money, while not realizing that my definition of being equal is the problem, because all are equal as life in fact. Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived in opposition to this basic principle through always changing myself to fit into an illusion which I have created within my mind, which is that one is only equal to the people within the same ‘money class’ as you, and that one’s worth is measured by the amount of money one has.




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