This post is a
continuation from:
For the purpose of
context I suggest reading the post above before proceeding, if you haven’t
already.
*****************
I left off in my
previous post where I mentioned that I had only realized the magnitude of my
participation within the pattern of constantly creating conflict as
well as the consequences
it manifests, after my partner had already left.
So as I was sitting
with myself, looking into this pattern and how it had played out within and
during my partner's visit, I felt myself directing a sort of self-disgust
towards myself. This self-disgust was born from my investigation in this moment
of all of my past relationships
which I had had with men, where I saw within these memories how I was in fact
the cause of majority of the problems experienced in all of the relationships
- as I could now, after having identified this pattern, see
how I played it out in past relationships.
From this I experienced much sorrow because essentially I had burned every
bridge of opportunity to really get to know another as well as myself within
relationship to them, and I also saw how my whole expression was one of
'pushing the other away' due to this character I have allowed myself to play
out.
The next moment I
brought my attention to my current agreement, and keep in mind that I
had now just realised the extent to which I have truly fucked up any real
opportunities I had in my past to really get to know myself within another. So
in this moment I was in an extreme emotional
possession, but I did not realized the extent of it here. I was aware that I
was experiencing emotions from this realization as I became aware of my body
and how tense it was, as well as my solar plexus which felt extremely
uncomfortable. So with my focus on my current agreement, I started to question myself
through and through, asking myself if this agreement is what is best for myself
and my partner or if I'm just going to sabotage this again due to this
ingrained pattern which keeps on popping out and showing itself as a statement
of 'this is me/this is who I
am'. The next moment I REALLY REAL-I-zed the extent to which whatever I do,
say and ultimately interact with my partner (another) affects him within his
(their) process of self-change. And I
mean this should be a common sense realization in our every day lives, but we
don't live it. So in this sense, my partner has been a very effective mirror
to show me myself, because I could see how my participation within this pattern
affected (or is it infected?) his own individual process of self-change.
HOWEVER - This realization in this moment was based in fear
because I was afraid that I would 'fuck him up', lol. I laugh
now, but the truth of it is, in this moment when I saw this I really
experienced fear of
not being able to direct myself within this pattern towards a solution so that I could be
sure that I would not use him as a pawn in order to keep me playing this game I
have been playing, this character I was existing within and as.
Then, from this
fear, I proceeded with convincing myself that it would be best to just end the
agreement. And I really THOUGHT
this - that "this would be what is best for all". So the whole day I
was experiencing a roller-coaster of emotions and thoughts, which were all born
from this one point.
So here I was
standing with this choice -
do I run away or do I grant myself the opportunity to really face myself with
the assistance of my partner to show me what I am doing?
I am grateful that I
did not act on the thought which was born within my emotional possession,
because the next day when I looked back on the hell I created for myself, I saw that
I was truly within a possession and that it was SO extensive that I even used
the term 'best for all' within my justification of the decision
I wanted to make within this possession, which was rearing more towards ending
the agreement.
In actual fact, this
is what REALLY happened - The fear I experienced after I had the realization
about what I have accepted
and allowed myself to exist within and as, as well as the realization of how it
effects another, was the fear of my mind
saying RUN AWAY - lol. Because the fact of the matter is, that whenever my mind
says 'FEAR THIS - RUN - GET AWAY NOW', it just shows me that I am at a point of
self-change. So, 'mind wants to escape and run away = point of self-change.
After this whole
possession, I spoke
with my partner about it, and he was very assisting in remaining calm and
stable and giving me direction as he has faced the exact same point - lol. The
point of wanting to run away when you really see yourself in another and see
that you require to work on correcting what you see.
So what can be taken
as support from this post is the following:
1. When I find
yourself wanting to make rash and rushed decision, this indicates that I am
within an emotional possession, and thus the best thing to do is to not make
any decisions but to rather wait until the possession is over in order to
evaluate the variables of the decision within and from a point of stability.
2. When I find
myself wanting to run away from a point or give up, this
indicates that I am at a point of self-change. So I can either give into my
mind's fear of not wanting to facing itself as me and directing self towards a
solution, OR I could assist and support myself to really move through the fear
and resistance of facing myself, and instead take my own hand and walk myself
towards getting to know who I would be without this point which I fear giving up so much
as the mind.
In my next blog post
I will share the solution part of this whole point I faced, and share how my
partner and myself have committed to assisting me within really, once and for
all facing this inner demon I have
created for myself and taking responsibility to change in
f-ACT.
Watch this space….
*******************
Thanks for sharing, Rozelle.
ReplyDeleteCool Rozelle. I find these blogs very assisting as I am walking a very similar point.
ReplyDeleteI had read this at a very appropriate time. I wanted to run (rather, bicycle) away from the bad atmosphere in my family environment instead of realizing how I've contributed to the drama and facing myself within this as a point of responsible self-change. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteCool Dan. Glad it supported you. Yes - we have always existed within this point of running away from ourselves and our responsibility to ourselves within how we interact within our world and reality. Time now to stop, turn around and go to stand face to face with ourselves in really taking responsibility for what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to manifest within not only ourselves, but in the world as a whole.
DeleteThe point is simple - whatever we face and experience within our world/reality must now be taken back to self to see 'where and how did I contribute to this 'point' being here?'
Thanks for reading
R