This post is a continuation from:
For the purpose of context I suggest reading the post above before proceeding, if you haven’t already.
I left off in my previous post where I mentioned that I had only realized the magnitude of my participation within the pattern of constantly creating conflict as well as the consequences it manifests, after my partner had already left.
So as I was sitting with myself, looking into this pattern and how it had played out within and during my partner's visit, I felt myself directing a sort of self-disgust towards myself. This self-disgust was born from my investigation in this moment of all of my past relationships which I had had with men, where I saw within these memories how I was in fact the cause of majority of the problems experienced in all of the relationships - as I could now, after having identified this pattern, see how I played it out in past relationships. From this I experienced much sorrow because essentially I had burned every bridge of opportunity to really get to know another as well as myself within relationship to them, and I also saw how my whole expression was one of 'pushing the other away' due to this character I have allowed myself to play out.
The next moment I brought my attention to my current agreement, and keep in mind that I had now just realised the extent to which I have truly fucked up any real opportunities I had in my past to really get to know myself within another. So in this moment I was in an extreme emotional possession, but I did not realized the extent of it here. I was aware that I was experiencing emotions from this realization as I became aware of my body and how tense it was, as well as my solar plexus which felt extremely uncomfortable. So with my focus on my current agreement, I started to question myself through and through, asking myself if this agreement is what is best for myself and my partner or if I'm just going to sabotage this again due to this ingrained pattern which keeps on popping out and showing itself as a statement of 'this is me/this is who I am'. The next moment I REALLY REAL-I-zed the extent to which whatever I do, say and ultimately interact with my partner (another) affects him within his (their) process of self-change. And I mean this should be a common sense realization in our every day lives, but we don't live it. So in this sense, my partner has been a very effective mirror to show me myself, because I could see how my participation within this pattern affected (or is it infected?) his own individual process of self-change. HOWEVER - This realization in this moment was based in fear because I was afraid that I would 'fuck him up', lol. I laugh now, but the truth of it is, in this moment when I saw this I really experienced fear of not being able to direct myself within this pattern towards a solution so that I could be sure that I would not use him as a pawn in order to keep me playing this game I have been playing, this character I was existing within and as.
Then, from this fear, I proceeded with convincing myself that it would be best to just end the agreement. And I really THOUGHT this - that "this would be what is best for all". So the whole day I was experiencing a roller-coaster of emotions and thoughts, which were all born from this one point.
So here I was standing with this choice - do I run away or do I grant myself the opportunity to really face myself with the assistance of my partner to show me what I am doing?
I am grateful that I did not act on the thought which was born within my emotional possession, because the next day when I looked back on the hell I created for myself, I saw that I was truly within a possession and that it was SO extensive that I even used the term 'best for all' within my justification of the decision I wanted to make within this possession, which was rearing more towards ending the agreement.
In actual fact, this is what REALLY happened - The fear I experienced after I had the realization about what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as, as well as the realization of how it effects another, was the fear of my mind saying RUN AWAY - lol. Because the fact of the matter is, that whenever my mind says 'FEAR THIS - RUN - GET AWAY NOW', it just shows me that I am at a point of self-change. So, 'mind wants to escape and run away = point of self-change.
After this whole possession, I spoke with my partner about it, and he was very assisting in remaining calm and stable and giving me direction as he has faced the exact same point - lol. The point of wanting to run away when you really see yourself in another and see that you require to work on correcting what you see.
So what can be taken as support from this post is the following:
1. When I find yourself wanting to make rash and rushed decision, this indicates that I am within an emotional possession, and thus the best thing to do is to not make any decisions but to rather wait until the possession is over in order to evaluate the variables of the decision within and from a point of stability.
2. When I find myself wanting to run away from a point or give up, this indicates that I am at a point of self-change. So I can either give into my mind's fear of not wanting to facing itself as me and directing self towards a solution, OR I could assist and support myself to really move through the fear and resistance of facing myself, and instead take my own hand and walk myself towards getting to know who I would be without this point which I fear giving up so much as the mind.
In my next blog post I will share the solution part of this whole point I faced, and share how my partner and myself have committed to assisting me within really, once and for all facing this inner demon I have created for myself and taking responsibility to change in f-ACT.
Watch this space….